In case you haven’t heard, the drug violence in Juarez is about to cross the Rio like an illegal immigrant. That being the case, your friends here at The Avocadoan have put together a guide to help you avoid being an innocent bystander. We have compiled a list of safe spots and spots to avoid. Stay safe (besides, if you die we have one less reader, and we can’t have that)!

Erin’s: Spend as much time here as you like. Most people here go for the laid back atmosphere and the lesbians. The place also gets a good amount of white folks, so it has to be safe.

G2: You won’t find drug cartel guys here. All you’ll find are corrupt businessmen and middle-aged bald guys trying to pick up college girls. By the way, try the Mac & Cheese.

O2: Safe, nothing but douchebags.

Thirsty’s: I have never seen more than 20 people in this place at once. You should be safe.

The OP: 2 reasons this place is safe: 1) Mexican men can’t handle being around gay people, and 2) it has a strong law enforcement presence.

Union Plaza: This area should be safe unless the cartels decide to involve the children of their foes, as this place has become a playground for the rich kids from Juarez. Hopefully the assassins don’t decide to drop by on their way over or back.

Ale House: This place is kind of iffy. It is a great place, but gets a fairly diverse crowd, so the narcos might blend in. If shots DO go off, hide behind some guy wearing an Affliction shirt.

The entire Northeast: Too many black people and too strong a military presence here. Just don’t jaywalk or you might get run over.

Graham Central Station: This place has about 87 different bars in one, so stay out of the country/Tejano one. It is potentially safe due to the large military presence.

Margarita’s: Stay the hell away. This is a narco hot spot. A lot of the clientele here fits the profile: look like a reject from a Tejano band.

Biker bars: we won’t name any in particular, but SOME biker gangs play in the drug war. Beware if you see two guys escort one guy to the bathroom.

Bandolero’s: Very similar to Margarita’s. Don’t be surprised if this place ends up looking like the scene in “Collateral” where Tom Cruise sends Jamie Foxx in to get the list of people to kill.

If you see an older looking gentleman in a striped polo shirt and cowboy hat, he is probably a narco trying to pull off the unofficial uniform for going out in El Paso, but was unable to part with his cowboy hat.

Lastly, if you’re in a prime Cougar hangout, and Steve Ortega is nowhere to be found. Be wary.

-Avocadoan Staff