As you all know, several local churches prayed for Juarez this past Sunday. Faster than one of his own bolts of lightning, God has responded, and your friends here at the Avocadoan have a copy of the response. Here it is:

First of all, there is no such thing as an unanswered prayer; sometimes the answer is just “no.”
Now that we have that out of the way, I started getting all these messages on my BlackBerry yesterday afternoon until late evening. Since this interrupted my day, I decided to look into this El Paso/Juarez business. My searches led me to some newspaper website whose content seemed suitable for 3-year olds. Anyhow, this article seemed to have a list of some of the groups the messages were from.
In the article was also a name that looked familiar: John Cook. I went through my received prayers file and found this guy. The file contained several requests such as “let me bag an Asian chick,” “give me back my hair,” “give me some musical talent,” and “let the little girl from the Northeast win so I have something nice to look at during these boring-ass City Council meetings.” Does this guy ever stop asking for shit? I was just about to give him his hair back, but now that he got all these people to ruin my Sunday, he can forget about buying a comb anytime soon. I hoped he’d stop bugging me after I sent Paul Foster down there to save that shitty downtown, but noooo.
So anyhow, all these prayers say stuff like “please stop the violence in our sister city.” I decided to Mapquest these Juarez and El Paso places and find out that I had created these 2 places but put a river between them. After further research, I find out that these people put up a mural of Little Joe and decided that I’m Mexican. Are you kidding? I have a kid who’s Jewish!
So apparently these people are having a bit of a drug war down there and they expect ME to stop it. You don’t think I have enough on my plate? Costs of food and energy are skyrocketing, there’s all that mess down in Darfur, and you guys want me to stop everything because some people want to get high? Get real. Sorry, El Paso & Juarez, I just don’t have time for you two right now.
By the way, sorry about all that rain a couple of years ago. My bad. and tell that Steve Ortega guy to stop praying for “an influx of cougars to El Paso.”

Sincerely,
God