So in case you didn’t read the article because you had to watch paint dry, you will soon have the opportunity to spend $10 watching it play out at your local cinema. That’s right, all you David K-Krazies, your hero’s saga is coming to the big screen. Within hours of hitting the NT website (”newspaper” is one word, so the P should not be in the acronym), local filmmaker Felipe Carlos Gutierrez became inspired to make “My Rise and Fall From KHRO Grace” into a full-length film.  “I was just so moved by this gringo’s story, you know? I was moved, ese.”  You might also recognize Gutierrez’s name from the made-for-TV movie “For The Love of Horses: Lower Valley Dave Hoofs it Around El Chuco” which starred Paul Rodriguez.

Rumor has it that Donny Osmond will be cast as David K. and will undergo a change of hair color for the part (runners up included Neil Patrick Harris, Christopher Knight (Peter Brady), and Dustin Diamond (Saved by the Bell’s Screech)) and James Earl Jones will play Paul Strelzin.

-fourof3

-C. Senor

Congrats!

Poll Archive

-Avocadoan Staff

Click here.

Maybe now we can find out where exactly Melina Castro lives. Wait, it does not extend into Mexico. D’oh!

A popular hangout for our future Sheriff. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The Camino.

Abraham Chavez.

Paul Foster’s new thing to blowup.

Hot spot to pick up some day laborers.

County Courthouse.

Mills Building.

Union Plaza Downtown Bar District.

Cinn St. Bar District

-C. Senor

“We just think its about time. El Paso is ready for this,” said Rep. Beto O’Rourke. That said, City Council will consider a resolution demanding Starbucks create a City Mug of El Paso. “It’s about time they do something I care about,” said Megan Hoffman, a soon to be freshman at Franklin High School. “I go there every day for a Triple Mocha Venti Caramel Macchiato with a double shot of espresso; non-fat milk, of course. Now I’ll be able to pretend I’m at Starbucks while I’m at home.” Her mother, Tricia Hoffman, agreed, “They’ve totally gotten it wrong with some of that oter stuff, like not welcoming the Minutemen and then opposing the wall, but this is a move I totally agree with. Besides, that O’Rourke kid is such a cutie; sometimes I’ll TiVo the meetings and watch while my husband is out with his mistress.”

Rep. Ann Lilly, however, feels the move is premature. “I’d really like to have a study on the relation between a city being on this mug and economic development, and we have to spend at least $80,000 on the study.”

-Avocadoan Staff

Two other nightspots to meet this fate are the Three-Legged Monkey and Wet Ultra Lounge, located at the corner of Hawkins and Montana. The former is a favorite spot of local badass meteorologist Chuck DeBroder and the latter gets full of douchebags trying to emulate their favorite rappers. The two nightspots are also located in the formerly bastard child of City Council, District 3.

In case you’re unaware, after being unrepresented for nearly 6 months, Emma Acosta came to the rescue. Or did she?

According to the El Paso Times, the problems created by patrons still exist in the nearby neighborhood. Further, Rep. Acosta has done nothing about it.

“What are you talking about?” Rep. Acosta responded when asked about the issues. “Why are people out that late in the first place? And why does the monkey only have 3 legs? Pobrecito.” After further discussion, it seemed Rep. Acosta was unaware that the nightspots are in her district. “I always hear that Rachel girl talking about the Monkey on Tuesdays; since she only comes for City Council meetings, Tuesday is like her Monday, so she talks all about her weekend. I guess that’s where she goes all the time.”

-Avocadoan Staff

Whatever the reason, El Paso Sheriff’s deputies have started a program to educate teenagers on the importance of fleeing a party once cops and sheriffs arrive. ‘Kids and Kegs’ will begin this week going to high schools in the area, possibly even some middle schools. Tovar said that lower valley schools would be exempt from the presentation. According to program officials McGruff the Crime Dog and FAH-Q the EPPD’s new talking interactive robot will be joining the already stellar cast of speakers. “Sometimes we even give them time to have fun, we show up well after the party has started, even when we know in advance that a party is going to go down. You should see the gay promotional flyers that they make. These little pricks are going to give us some excitement whether they like it or not,” said Tovar.

The ‘euro’ car that was impounded belonged to Byron J. Montelongo, a senior at Canutillo High School. “With gas prices so high, and chicks not putting out at the rate they used to, I just wanted to relax and would hope the cops could respect that. Now I’m screwed, I got no car to flee in, if I chose to flee,” he said. City and county officials were on vacation and unavailable for comment.

-C. Senor
Avocadoan Canutillo Mobile Newsroom

As reported by Newspaper Tree, Courtney used Rep. Ortega as bait in a ploy to increase the amount of funding EPISO receives from the City. According to an e-mail Courtney accidentally sent to Rep. Ortega, Courtney tried enticing Father Ed Roden-Lucero into participating in the trend popular among his colleagues nationwide, with Rep. Ortega playing the part of altar boy. Suggestions included “squeezing” and “hurting” Rep. Ortega.

Courtney owned up to the allegations, “I thought it would be easy, you know? Kind of like offering a chocolate bar to a little kid, or alcohol to a homeless guy. I just made a typo and got ahead of myself. I was desperate, okay? 75 grand is a lot of money. I bet it would’ve worked had it actually gone to Father Ed.”

Rep. Ortega was disgusted by the errant e-mail. “If some old guy tries touching me, I’m kicking him in the nuts. No questions asked, priest or not. An older woman, that’s different; I’ll play that one by ear.”

-Avocadoan Staff

1. Tell Xavier, Thom, Kyan, and Carson that your work email is strictly for work purposes only.  “Pigs at the Trough,” “Gay Dad and Son Sex,” and “Bondage Muscle Daddy” should all definitely be sent to your Gmail account.
2. Ask the Probate clerk out on a date, yes her.  Use a paper bag.
3. End your Farmboy of the Month Club membership, the screen savers and desktop wallpaper might give you away.
4. Avoid using your G-Spot tickler, or pearl panther as a paperweight around the office.
5. Stop boasting about your skin flute playing prowess, we know what that means.
6. Familiarize yourself with NBC’s To Catch a Predator.  Chris Hansen is not your friend.
7. Straight up, become a ladies man.

-Avocadoan Staff

It was just after work, on a Friday afternoon. I stopped at Ale House thinking I might play some pool. As this was my first time here, I sat near the middle of the bar to scope things out.

“How can I help you,” the bartender asked.

“What do you recommend?”

“Landshark is the popular beer right now. The juiced-looking guys in the Affliction and Tapout shirts love that stuff.”

“I think I’ll go with a Blue Moon.”

“No problem.”

“Thanks.”

The crowd was mostly older, working guys. A few of them looked at me funny for not ordering a Budweiser. My Italian suit may have thrown them off as well.

“So where are all the guys in the Affliction and Tapout shirts?”

“They don’t get here until later. They also swarm this place on Thursday nights; at our neighbors Geske’s & Susaki as well. We’re a little more laid back than those two places. In fact, hang out long enough and you’ll fit in better over there than here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, unless you have a striped polo shirt in your car, or one of those other two shirts I mentioned earlier.”

“That’s interesting. What else is around here?”

“There’s Graham’s a few blocks up. They charge cover, but drinks are 25 cents before 11:00.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, just don’t tell anyone I told you that.”

I thanked the bartender and headed up to Pelican’s. Great atmosphere and I fit right in. By the time I finished dinner and got the digits off some divorcees, it was about 8:30, so I figured I’d try that Graham’s place.

After paying the cover charge, I felt more out of place than I did at Ale House, so I ordered a Budweiser. In addition to several striped polo shirts, there were many males in oversized white t-shirts, as well as a strong military presence fascinated by curvy hispanic girls moving their bodies to hip-hop and country.

I decided to head further east, up a street called Zaragosa, or Zaragoza, not sure. I ended up lost in some neighborhood with poor lighting. I came across some people hanging out in their front yard and stopped.

“Evening. You all don’t have streetlights around here?”

“Not really. Our rep doesn’t get along with the City Manager, and the City let the developers run wild on this area. For the longest time, we had to drive 10 miles for a gallon of milk. Urban sprawl at its worst. The housing was really inexpensive, got here before the bubble burst. Now, some of my neighbors have been foreclosed upon.”

“Wow, that’s tough. Why don’t you guys start a recall on your rep?”

“What’s a recall?”

I was dumbfounded at this response. “Who would vote for a rep like that?”

“Not us. Come to think of it, not many people around here vote at all.”

-fourof3